Tough Love

Fathers with teens still at home have a tough job.  So often those teens, our dear sometimes sweet children, seem to want to test their boundaries, and in doing so they are testing ours....the fathers.  It's not always fun, and sometimes it is downright very, very trying.  Hopefully, most fathers aren't oblivious to this right of passage of their teens, or worse yet, haven't abdicated their role as fathers....to not only be a loving father, but to be a teaching father.

A common comment which may be said to those teens is...."do you think I was born yesterday", or maybe something like "been there-done that".  In spite of our best efforts, sometimes just being loving and nice, direct and kind just isn't enough.  Sometimes a bit of tough love is necessary.

Case in point:  I remember vividly when at different times my teenage daughter was traveling on a very slippery slope.  Often I wasn't completely aware of just how slippery that slope she was on was, but there was enough that I did see that I just knew some bad outcomes for her were just around the bend.  One day I received (thankfully) a call from an honest teacher who went out on a limb on her own to call me and fill me in on some stuff that was going on with my daughter.  She stepped out on that limb because she really cared for that daughter, and she knew where things were headed if something wasn't done.  So I did something really out of character....I picked the girl up at school (she was told by the office I would be there).  She wasn't happy.  I suggested that we were going to the Dairy Queen and get a milk shake....which we did.  Then we took those shakes to a little nearby park and sat on the river bank and we talked.  Well, not actually we.  I talked.  I had gone into this with the thought that she may well not like me very much after our "conversation"...and that maybe she could even run away.  "The talk", however, had to be done.  I was very blunt, very open, very honest, very hard, in some cases my language was not appropriate.....but the point(s) had to be made.  It was the hardest conversation I had ever made up to that point.  It was a very tough love talk....one that ended up with...."in spite of all this, I still love you to death, and I hope you realize that".

Gradually, we started to see some minor changes in her behavior and actions.  No, she didn't run away, but I did get the silent treatment for a while, and she avoided me like the plague for a bit.  But she stayed with us.  Now, fast forward 20 years.  She lives out of state now with her husband and family.  But every single time we are together, she brings it up.  "The talk", and what an impact it made on her life.  We laugh now about that day,  but she is still always thankful that I said some really gross and terrible things that day... things that she needed (but not wanted at the time) to hear.  We both agree that she is a much better woman and mother than she would have been had we not had "that talk".   She has also mentioned numerous times that the language and choice of words I used that day (remember....they were not nice) was the wake up call for her.  She knew I was very angry, but she saw herself clearly through the things I said (though at that moment she wouldn't admit that).

Tough love is a tool we need to keep in our parenting toolbox.  Not nice, pretty, kind, and pampering tough love....sometimes that is just not enough.  And we've got to have the guts to know when it is time to pull that tool out of the box and use it....in spite of what we fear the consequences might be. A word of caution is in order.  "That talk" kind of tough love really must be reserved for the right moment...for that moment when you seriously think you may have "lost" them (the kids).  It's a last ditch effort to awaken them and enlighten them, and it needs to be used with the full knowledge that they may walk away, that they are not ready to see their boundaries....or yours (which you have just laid out in "the talk").